Honor'd & dear Sir.
Sep 12, 1792
On Wednesday the 12th Ulto. the awful Trial commenced:
& on that Day
when in Court, I had the Pleasure of recieving your most kind & parental *Letter —
in answer to which I now communicate to you the melancholy Issue of it, which,
as I desired my Friend Mr. Graham to inform you
of immediately, will be no dreadful news to you — Then — The Morning lowers —
Sep 18, 1792
& all my Hope of worldly joy is fled far from me!
* see No 62
On Tuesday Morning the 18th Inst. the dreadful sentence of Death was pronounced upon me! — to which (being the just Decree of that divine Providence who first gave me Breath) I bow my devoted Head, with that Fortitude, Chearfulness & resignation, which is the Duty of every Member of the Church, of our blessed saviour & redeemer Christ Jesus! — To him alone I now look up for succour; in full Hope, that perhaps a few Days more will open to the View of my astonished & fearful soul his Kingdom of eternal & incomprehensible Bliss, prepared only for the righteous of Heart. — I have not been found guilty of the slightest Act of the detestable Crime of Mutiny — But — am doom'd to die! — for not being active in my Endeavours to suppress it. — Cou'd the Evidences who appeared on the Court Martial be tried, they wou'd also suffer for the same & only Crime of which I have been guilty — But I am to be the Victim! — Alas! — my youthful Inexperience, & no Depravity of Will, is the sole Cause to which I can attribute my Misfortunes — But, so far from repining at my Fate — I recieve it with a dreadful kind of Joy, Composure & Serenity of Mind! — well assured that it has pleased God to point me out, as a subject, thro' which, some greatly useful (tho' at present, unsearchable) Intention of the divine Attributes, may be carried into Execution for the future Benefit of my Country — Then — why shou'd I repine at being made a sacrifice for the Good of perhaps Thousands of my Fellow-Creatures! — forbid it Heaven! — Why shou'd I be sorry to leave a World in which I have met with nothing but Misfortunes & all their Concomitant Evils! — I will on the Contrary endeavour to divest myself of all Wishes for the futile & sublunary Enjoyments of it, and prepare my soul for its reception into the Bosom of its redeemer! — for though the very strong recommendation I have had to his Majesty's Mercy, by all the Members of the Court may meet with his Approbation, yet that is but the Balance of a Straw — a mere Uncertainty, upon which no Hope can be built! — the other is a Certainty that must one Day happen to every Mortal, — therefore the salvation of my soul requires my most powerful Exertions, during the short Time I may have to remain on Earth! — As this is too tender a subject for me to inform my unhappy & distressed Mother & Sisters of, I trust dear Sir you will either shew them this Letter, or make known to them the truly dreadful Intelligence in such a Manner as (assisted by your wholesome & paternal Advice) may enable them to bear it with christian Fortitude: — The only worldly Feelings I am now possessed of are for their Happiness & Welfare; — but — even these! — in my present Situation, I must endeavour with God's Assistance to eradicate from my Heart — how hard so ever the Task! — I must strive against cherishing any temporal Affections — But dear Sir endeavour to mitigate my distrest Mother's sorrow — Give my everlasting Duty to her & unabated Love to my disconsolate Brother's & Sisters & all the other relations I have — Encourage them by my Example, to bear up with Fortitude and resignation to the divine Will, under their Load of Misfortunes, almost too great for female Nature to support, & teach them to be fully persuaded that All Hopes of Happiness on Earth are Vain! — On my own Account I Still enjoy the most easy Serenity of Mind & am dearest Sir for ever your greatly indebted
& must dutiful but ill-fated